So I'm increasingly comfortable with my body. Scary thought when you think about how far ahead I started off at. At the moment I'm trying to let my hair bleach itself out in the sun while attempting to rid myself of this awful farmer's tan received this past week while sitting around on campus. Sasha has her stupid tennis ball and keeps dropping it on my back and Jack is getting possessive and was sitting beside me. Now he's off sulking...or skulking...I can never tell with him. He's too shifty eyed xP

It's been a looooong time since I've visited the blogging hemisphere. I'll try not to be quite so remiss in the future. Especially since tomorrow marks the first day of Lent. As usual, I'll spend this time trying to do something more so than trying not to do something because I believe that doing something takes more effort and can, oft times, be a greater sacrifice. I'll give up my usual things of course. And I'm also going to restrict internet time to homework, study, music and blogging. Last year the only internet site I gave up was facebook. This year its going to be anything that does not directly help me better myself. Plus music. Haha

I'm also going to try something else new. Its a concept I've been playing around with. I'm not sure how the rules are going to go although I think I should probably try to set up some guidelines now so that I don't cheat later on. I'm going to try to sacrifice the almighty "I" in my life which, for a self proclaimed narcissist, will prove to be difficult. I will try to show a greater interest in those around me and will try to completely forget about myself as an individual entity and, instead, work on becoming part of others.

For the past couple of weeks I've played a game with myself where, while walking around campus or driving down the road I remind myself that life isn't about me. Then I look at everyone around me and decide that life is about them and try to envision where they'll be in the future and how life revolves around them. This Lent is kind of like an extension of that game. I just want to be more mindful of others.

I think that I may also try to ween myself of the words "I", "me", "mine", etc. It would just be something I'd work at for personal reasons and not so much a Lenten sacrifice.

There's a bug crawling on this one's arm.

I'm going crazy! That familiar urge to just get up and go has settled in again. The one where I'll just walk around the house looking for something that doesn't exist, staring at the walls. The one that makes me fear going outside or traveling because deep down I know that if I start there will be that temptation to just keep going. I usually try to distract myself with creativity when I get this way, hence the blog post and the quite probable blog posts succeeding this one :P

Just had to skip out for a second and write a confession to my parents...a cowardly confession since I posted it somewhere they'll probably never read it. On the other hand it really settled that flighty feeling that was consuming my insides.

On the left hand I think I prefer that feeling to this new low...

Man that sounds depressing, haha...ewww...

Eh, whatever, at the end of the day there are only two people who have to approve of the way I've lived my life. Myself and God.

And I'm going to be happy if it kills me. Which it just might if I'm lucky :P

And I'm convinced God gave me life so that I could be happy and makes others happy. I still plan to serve with my life. It's all I really want to do. It's what'll make me happy. I just don't want to waste half of my life in school to do it.

I'll serve my way and be happy.

End of story.

Day One Of Rush Week

Today was my first day as "Undercover Barbie" as Matthew so eloquently put it. How did it go? I completely forgot...I was watching Arthur...

I only remembered I was suppose to attend the meet and greet when I got a Reefer Madness song stuck in my head.

All well, there's always tomorrow.

I think I'll sleep

Of course, the hardest part of starting a new life is remembering that you're alive...

So Today is The Last Day of the Year. Which year, I'm not quite sure. Probably not one that will stand out for long in my admittedly faulty memory.

Today I shall stand tribute to a new life. How long this new life shall hold sway over future behavior is, of course, to be questioned. But with such an attitude one is bound to fail and so, with optimism as my ally, I do claim victory over future impulses and shall lead a life more preferable to my particular tastes and desires than the one I have, until this moment, been leading.

If one has the possibility of perfection why not pursue such an ideal? Well, I do not have such a possibility because I am far too weak to even comprehend what such a trial would entail. However, I do own a particular idea of perfection, tailored to my abilities, that I shall attempt to capture beginning, of course, with the New Year.

Happy New Year.

To exemplify my dedication and new found discipline I am taking the day in fast and physical and mental exertion. Till the night, of course, when I shall meet with my friends and, though abstaining still of all food and excess save water, shall relax my new dignified person and enjoy the evening and all that is heralds.


...People keep telling me that this is a chance to be myself. That college is the time to open up and be who I've always wanted to be. The problem, I've found, with this is that I've very little idea of who I am or who I want to be. My idea of perfection includes many a chaotic and incompatible characteristic due soley to the fact that I find all people perfect in their confident ability to live and love and hate and desire. So compiling a perfect me has been difficult to say the least.

And how do I know that the perfect me I choose will be the happiest me possible?

And how do I know that the happiest me possible will be the one most beneficial to this society which I do love and find myself indebted to?

How do I balance the world with myself?

Just where do I lie within this vast expanse of being and is there really any room for yet another personality? Is there even any need for another one?

Do not take me for unhappy. I thrill at the challenge of self-discovery! Nothing excites me more than getting to know my most intimate confidante: myself!

And Happy New Year! For as I would have you conclude from the beginning of this post, I do have some idea of Who I Am and I am excited and ready to develope that idea into a physical being. It is birth!

Caligula and I are pen pals. Together we author madness and romance, tragedy and brutality and beauty. His name is liquid and golden and I am envious of the bitter sweet nature of his insanity. Would you call me Little Boots too?
His name is the silver reflection of a narcissus and I am Echo. Or the echo. Because phantoms don't have names; they are not denoted by the capitalization of a letter. My voice is all that is left. An idea. A repetition of "Alas...alas..."
Would that a pomegranate would preserve my sanity, keep me in death's embrace and away from life's all consuming flame.
"Have me", I call...